Computers were invented to do Genealogy

Computers were

 invented to do

 Genealogy

Did you hear about the young lady genealogy computer addict who said she wasn’t going to have any children because it takes nine months to download them?

(D)ivorce (P)roceedings (S)tarted – Modem named as respondent!

A computer is a typewriter with an attitude.

Multi-tasking: Reading your family tree in the bathroom

Computer Genealogy: working out where your computer came from.

FAM_TREE.LST not found. Create new genealogist? (Y/n)

I have to stop now. My fingers are getting hoarse!

“I had quite a problem making a GEDCOM transfer of one of my ancestors into another genealogy program. Things got so bad I had to give him mouse to mouse resuscitation!”

Death is just nature’s way of dropping the carrier.

Genealogists do it with a computer.

If only ancestors came with pull-down menus and on-line help…

My life has become one large GEDCOM!!

New mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)

Not tonight dear, I’m loading in Family Tree Maker 7.0!

PAF the Magic Dragon: a carriage to the past.

Ancestor files – a meeting place of cousins!

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a 750 mhz Pentium III so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

{——– The information went data way ——–}

Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression

• BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
• Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
• Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
• … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
• CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
• SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who is General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?

Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

SYSTEM ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

Minnesota/Wisconsin Guide to computer terminology

LOG ON : making da vood stove hotter

LOG OFF : don’t add vood

MONITOR : keep an eye on da vood stove

MEGAHERTZ : vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da mornin

FLOPPY DISK : vhat you get from piling too much vood

RAM : da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork

HARD DRIVE : getting home during most of da vinter

PROMPT : vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season

ENTER : come on in

WINDOWS : vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 degrees below 0

SCREEN : vhat is a must during mosquito season

CHIP : vhat ya munch during da Vikings games

MICROCHIP : vhat’s left in da bag vhen da chips are gone

MODEM : vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly

DOT MATRIX : Sven Matrix’s vife

LAPTOP : vhere da grandkids sit

KEYBOARD : vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Misses can find em

SOFTWARE : da plastic picnic utensils, ya?

MOUSE : vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard

MAINFRAME : da part of da sauna that holds up da roof

PORT : vhere da commericial fishin boats dock

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can’t remember how much ya spent on a new deer rifle vhen da vife asks about it.

It’s Time You
Turn Your Computer
Off If  . . .

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You name your first two children “Eudora” and “Dotcom.”
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you’d just pulled the plug on a loved one.
   
   4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
   5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
   6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
   7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
   8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
   9. You can’t call your mother; she doesn’t have a modem.
   10. You check your mail. It says “no new messages”; so you check it again.
   11. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
   12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
   13. You tell the cab driver you live at
       http://1000.garden/house/brick.html
   14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

       ---

        
       To My Darling Husband . . . Dear John
       I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your new computer entered our lives two years ago.
       The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.
       Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact it was stormy and the electricity was out.
       I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover it really is more fun. Lars — I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that household chores are much easier since I realized you don’t mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn’t smother.
       Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars – Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, – just the way you like it. I hope you and your computer have a lovely time while we are gone.
       Tommy, Jen and I think of you often – try to remember us while your disks are booting.
       Love, Mary
       Reprinted from Chart and Quill, Vol. 14, No. 3 – 1996: periodical of the Northeastern Nevada Genealogical Society.

       ---

        
       Computer Genealogists Prayer
       — Author Unknown

       Every evening
       As I’m laying here in bed
       This tiny little prayer
       Keeps running through my head.

       God bless my mom and dad,
       And bless my little pup,
       And look out for my brother
       When things aren’t looking up.

       And God, there’s one more thing
       I wish that you could do;
       Hope ya don’t mind me asking,
       But please bless my ‘puter too??
       Now I know that’s not normal
       To bless a mother board,
       But just listen a second
       While I explain to you, my Lord.You see that little metal box
       Holds more than odds and ends.
       Inside those small compartments
       Rest hundred of my “best friends.”

       Some, it’s true, I’ve never seen,
       And most, I’ve never met.
       We’ve never exchanged hugs
       Or shared a meal as yet.

       I know for sure they like me
       By the kindness that they give.
       And this little scrap of metal
       Is how I travel to where they live.

       By faith is how I know them
       Much the same as you.
       I share in what life brings them,
       From that our friendship grew.

       Please take an extra minute
       From your duties up above
       To bless this scrap of metal
       That’s filled with so much love.

       You’re over thirty if . . .
       A computer was something on TV
       From a science fiction show of note
       A window was something you hated to clean
       And ram was the cousin of a goat.

       Meg was the name of my girlfriend
       And gig was a job for the nights
       Now they all mean different things
       And that just really mega bytes.

       An application was for employment
       A program was a TV show
       A cursor used profanity
       A keyboard was a piano.

       Memory was something that you lost with age
       A CD was a bank account
       And if you had a 3-in. floppy
       You hoped nobody found out.

       Compress was something you did to the garbage
       Not something you did to a file
       And if you unzipped anything in public
       You’d surely be in jail for a while.

       Log on was adding wood to the fire
       Hard drive was a long trip on the road
       A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
       And a backup happened to your commode.

       Cut you did with a pocketknife
       Paste you did with glue
       A web was a spider’s home
       And a virus was the flu.

       I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
       And the memory in my head
       I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
       But when it happens they wish they were dead.

       NOTE: This is certainly a poem for anyone over thirty.
       However, it should also be restricted to persons under sixty
       because the words gig, keyboard, CD, and virus, did not exist
       in one’s everyday vocabulary, and one did not compress garbage